So, how many of you remember your first taste of love? Was it a sour spoonful? Or, was it simply delicious? Did you spit it back out & say never again? 

Most of us have this humbling & life altering experience in our teens.  Our relationship boundaries haven’t been formed, we haven't any baggage yet to carry.  And, I think because of this first love is one of the purest forms of love in existence....

I fell head over heels in love at seventeen.  It was the whole shot... love at first sight complete with trumpets sounding, bells ringing, whistles shrilling, stars twinkling, zone out day-dreaming, choirs singing; that sort of fanfare.  

I can remember the first time he called me on the telephone; lying on my bed, smiling up at a poster of Boy George (LOL) as I twisted the telephone cord around my finger (before the days of cordless or cell).  Then there was our first official date; taking hours to get ready, double checking my (feathered) hair in the mirror; my senses tingling and alive; instinctively knowing whatever this was I was feeling was new and uncharted territory.  I walked on air the day he dropped his class ring into my hand. 

 

His eyes were the color of the bluest summer sky.  He had an easy smile and a fun-loving personality.  He had curly, unruly hair never quite tame-able & an unquenchable thirst for fast cars that would later in life launch him into a successful racing career.  He made me laugh every day.  He was quick to smile; not easily angered.  Every time he handed me wildflowers or chased me around an old car he was restoring; I felt special; joyful; joined with another soul and less alone.

 

Most of the time first love is fleeting but it serves a purpose as most things do in life.

First love…..

 

Breathes love to life....

It sets the bar by which we measure love as we move into the future whether we admit it or not.  I believe subconsciously we search for something equivalent our whole lives.  Sometimes, if the ingredients are duplicated, we can find it again. 

 

Whichever it is for you, I hope that you don’t forget what it tastes like and settle for less. 

Hello there my web buddies.  Did you miss me?  I've certainly missed you.  You are part of my stay sane plan' albeit the entries are few and far between.  The word albeit always makes me think of Ben Stein...I'm not sure why.  It must be a word he says alot...like "dry eye".  

The weekend was full.  I had endless plans to hang out with friends & family.  Did all of it but found at the close of the weekend-- I am most happy being at home; cleaning, cooking, writing and just hanging in my safe haven. 

For me, "Home" was not always my safe-haven.  It was the place I dreaded to go.  It was the place where I walked on egg shells.  It was a place where I worked endlessly to maintain peace and order but never was quite able to get there.  It was a place of tension & loneliness.  I'm really glad to not be in that "place" anymore.  It is amazing how much life has changed. 

So when I get to feeling blue about my present situation, I have only to look back over my shoulder to be incredibly grateful for what no longer is...I've moved beyond it, have you?

I spent the weekend remodeling my dining room.  When I moved in, it had dark blue border & two seriously dark blue walls.  At first, it made me shutter & though I owned nothing remotely blue, I left it be.  I walked by this room so many times that I ceased noticing it after awhile.  I've lived with this; though every now & then I thought, ugh!

Well, I woke up Saturday morning after a thoroughly emotionally exhausting Friday night…..and thought, today is the day to fix the dining room.  Now how do I go from emotional upheaval to home décor project?  Well I'm about to give you a glimpse into the mind o' mine… I must warn you that it works in totally mysterious & often frightening mad ways…

You see, I learned long ago to find healthy outlets to emotional disasters.  At least, I think this is a healthy process.  Find something you can change and do that.  Find something you enjoy doing (physically) and do that.  Your outlook is bound to improve and if it doesn't, you have some instant gratification in improving at least something in your life…like your nasty looking dining room.  Sort of a rebirth process….

This helps a person refocus on reality and not fall; swimming into the mind --rehashing conversations and/ or confrontations…hoping for the set of words that would reverse that which just occurred….This ain't gonna happen.  You can't replay in your mind until the scene changes because the scene doesn't change.  

What you do afterwards is the only thing you have the power to control.  If you lose, then don't lose the lesson friends.  Do something positive with the pain.  Don't wallow in it.  Decorate your dining room and report back to this blog.

I saw a movie lastnight.  It wasn't "edge of your seat" entertaining but there was a line in the closing act that was most assuredly meant for me . The main character said, "sometimes its necessary to spend time in new worlds in order to better understand our own." 

I said to myself, wow, this may be exactly what that last few years have been.  Life is a journey my friends and we rarely understand what is happening at the time its happening.  Reflection is a magical, poetical, incredibly insightful process.... Once the pain subsides, once the glory dulls, once the moment fades, once the curtain falls, once the shines no longer glows...we have only our memories to reflect upon and hopeful time to understand what the heck happened.  We can learn so much from ourselves if we take the time to reflect on our lives.

The whole idea is to learn.  Learn and grow and seek to understand all things, good and bad & hopefully the wounds fade to scars and the scars disappear....

It's 60 degrees out and I believe god made this day just for me.  See, I think it's my winter reprieve.  God is constantly reminding me that in the dead of winter there lives in me a year 'round summer.  Today is my summer reminder!!

Recently, I've been feeling with a sense of disharmony between myself and a couple people close to me.  I don't like it one bit.  I don't like upheaval.  But, I also need to learn what I can live with, what I can't.; who I can trust, and understand life shifts I've been going through.  I don't like this sense of restlessness between myself and other people and most especially inside of myself. 

I can live with rocking the boat … but not so hard that the oars fall overboard!  Hum, Whistle…..I think I'm quietly paddling to shore with my hands. 

There is no greater healing power for me than catching the fleeting thoughts in my head and capturing them on paper so I'm honored to be writing in my blog today.

I'm going to use this lunch hour to walk and enjoy the weather and come to terms with and settle into peace inside myself.  The rest will come. 

There is nothing better than a blossoming love.  It's like the first bloom of a summer flower; new, fresh, beautiful...every day more exhilarating than the next.  Heightened awareness of the spirit, mind and body; it simply takes ones breathe away.  But don't forget that love is fragile & elusive and it needs to be fed.

But can you remember how it is?  Ahhhh....  Blue is bluer;  green is greener, the air is crisper.  Music is sweeter; lyrics take on deeper meaning.  It's like floating on a cloud and not caring where its going...

And,  isn't it impressive that love can happen at any age?  Isn't it amazing that with that special someone--this feeling just keeps intensifying and growing?

Love is surely the great mystery of our time and all the times before & hereafter.  

It transcends time, age, beauty... but, for some of us love is a fleeting thing, it dies on the vine, it fades......some of us get scared, back away, walk away before it blooms.

Love can never be captured, it can never be forced, it cannot be contained in anyway. Some of us can't even recognize what has occured until its gone.  Some of us can't see it in front of our eyes when its there.    

Wouldn't it be nice if we allowed the voice of our hearts to speak now & then?  We are still trying to control this great mystery that can never be controlled!

Love isn't always an easy thing because it has to be fed.  This is a scary process.  What if we feed it and it dies anyway?  What if we try and the results are bad?  It happens.  It's happened to me.  You can't have yin without the yang.

By learning to understand the needs and desires of another and respond to them in a loving, kind and caring way....we make our way through the maze.  All of that just sort of happens on its own when its meant to be.  Sometimes, when we have been hurt in love's past, it takes a bit longer to find our way again.  But the important thing is, we shouldn't give up trying to find your way.  It's worth the experience.

When we lose love, we fall, hard & miserably.  We lose our sails & our wings for awhile.  We get stuck in fog where the colors look grey.  No blue, no green.  The air became something necessary to breathe that is indulged in with trembling breathe.  

Who wants to lose something so magical?  Something that makes them feel so special and new?  Nobody of course.  It hurts like hell to end love.  No doubt about it.  It's a death of sorts and it takes plenty of time to move beyond the pain....STILL....

Remember that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  You will still have wonderful experiences to draw from; great memories to pull out and ponder when you are down; things that still make you smile....after years!  Long after love is gone, its affects linger.  That's powerful stuff!  

You won't have any of this good stuff without taking a chance that you might get hurt.

I'm writing this as much for you as I am for me.  We have to keep the faith that love will find its way to us.  We don't have to make it the primary focus of our lives, it is an enhancement---a brilliant and beautiful enhancement.  It won't break us or make us.....

Yep, Love is surely the great mystery of our time and all the times before & hereafter.